Life after college

You know what scares me the most after graduating? Being unemployed. Why? Because I know that I’ll be unappreciated, they will see me as a person with no dream or vision. But what they don’t see is that I’m trying to do things at my own phase, trying to keep it calm, trying not to overwhelm myself with doing a lot of things all at once. But the people around me keeps pushing me to go faster than my own phase. They don’t understand that I’m in the process of accepting the change that happened in my life, I’m still adjusting to life after college, I’m not the kind of person who can easily adapt to changes.

During my freshmen year in college, I thought that I would be able to escape being look down upon. Well, I guess I can never really escape that do I? I will always be the dreamless, lazy, careless and insensitive child.

Do you know how badly I want to open up to someone and tell all these things that’s been bothering me. It’s just that I don’t want to look dramatic or overacting in their eyes that I choose to keep silent and write about it, rather than tell someone. I guess it does help, at the moment.

I’m not yet ready but they don’t see that, do they?

I wanted to be a teacher but they said that there’s no growth in there and it pays little. I wanted to wait and find the job that I think will suit me more but they said to apply to a certain job because it pays more.

I feel like I’m making the same mistake as I did before entering college, study any course just to have a degree.  Find job just to have a job. I am the type of person that takes time in deciding the things that I want to do. Stop pressuring me, stop rushing me, it hinders me to make right decisions.

I am lost don’t make me take any direction just so I can move. Let me find my own path, in my own pace, on my own.

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When will I not care?

When will I not care? About how people will see me, how I would be accepted, and how others will reject me. About everything that requires acknowledgement from other people. I’m contradicting myself saying that it wouldn’t matter but deep inside it does and I don’t like it, being a hypocrite saying, writing, sharing words opposite to what I really feel because that is what I think that will be accepted by the majority, the society, the people.

I don’t usually agree with myself, I’m torn between choosing what’s right and what I want, and it’s frustrating. This is my biggest dilemma, do I follow my heart and desires? or do I follow the norms that the society injected and be ethically right?

I’m in a state of confusion. I wanted to be able to express myself freely but I’m still bound by this shackle called fear. I’m afraid that by expressing myself, people will hate me because what I think what’s right might be contradicting to them and vice versa.

So when will I stop caring? Because right now, the freedom of speech that we have is also the restriction that is limiting us to express our thoughts and ideas freely.

 

A light in the darkness

I used to think that college students are over-reacting when they say stuff about how hard being a college student is. Even when I was already in college I used to think that, “it’s not even hard”, “it’s not even stressful” and “college is just like high school”. But now I am eating those words. College is stressful! I’m even lucky that I only get to experience this harsh college life during my last year, how much more those people who’s course is obviously more effort-inducing than mine and has been experiencing this harshness since their early years. Aaaauughh!! I don’t think that I can take that. Even thinking about it makes me exhausted.

But you see in every problem there’s a solution, in every shortcomings and mistakes there’s learning and in every darkness there’s a light. For me these words are an actual representation of how this last few days were like for me. I feel hopeless and I’m on the verge of giving up. I’m actually considering on suggesting to change the business for our feasib but I was motivated to fight for it because of how optimistic my group mates are about this problem.

And now we’re actually seeing the light, it’s within reach we just have to work harder to obtain it and when we does, it will be rewarding.

Regrets?

I’m regretting that I didn’t start this blog and I didn’t take journaling seriously earlier. I’ve been to a lot of places last year and I didn’t get to write about it because I’m not writing passionately at that time.

I’ve done a lot of adventurous things and I didn’t get to express the memories and the thrilling feeling through words.

I guess I just have to do more things, go to more breathtaking places and make extraordinary memories to write about.

I don’t know

Haven’t been writing diligently for the past few days, I’ve been sick, I’ve been worried, I enjoy things but I haven’t written anything about everything just yet.

I don’t know why but I’m back at feeling lost and weary. I shouldn’t be, really. I’ve been wanting to write but is it the circumstances? or is it just me, that’s not doing the things that I promised to do and proclaimed to love? I’ve been slacking a lot and because of that I’ve been uneasy. It just feels like something will go wrong. I don’t want to feel this way. I want it to stop but it just wont. I tried diverting my attention. I hang out with friends, read stories on Wattpad but after doing everything I’m back at thinking, again. I want to released my frustrations but I don’t know what my frustrations are.

Why am I struggling like this, do I not like this path that I’m taking? Is it independence, that I’m seeking? Why? What is it that I really want? What is really my problem? What are my frustrations? What am I feeling? I don’t know.

360° train of thoughts

I’ve been sick these past few days so I haven’t been posting here. I’m also very distracted nowadays that I’ve been neglecting not just my writings but also my school works. I’ve been procrastinating a lot and now all that’s left are regrets because of my own irresponsibility. I’m scared of what will happen especially in my taxation subject but I have to accept whatever the outcome will be since it’s my own fault that I’m feeling this way, because of my own irresponsibility and just being lazy in general. I have to do a lot of things now because I’ve been chilling for the past few days and now, I have to face the repercussions of my past actions.

I do feel really bad about myself, I’m such a disappointment. haayysss I tried to divert my attention, tried do different things to avoid thinking about it but you know that’s one of the hardest things to do… to stop thinking about the things that your mind wants to. It’s depressing.

In the future there will be a lot more disappointing things that I will do, I just hope that when mistake happens I would be able to accept it and learn from it, unlike now.

I may be a self-proclaimed optimistic person but there’s a lot of pessimistic thoughts going through my head and it scares me that there may come a time where the negative side of me will overpower my positivity. I hope not.